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My spiritual awakening experience
Pain is the seed from which a spiritual awakening emerges. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, heartbreak or an intense feeling of estrangement in your own life, it is the catalyst for change and transformation. It takes losing yourself completely, being so uncomfortable in your own skin, in your own life, it takes for the pain to become so unbearable that you have no other choice but to change.
My experience started 5 years ago. I was a very carefree girl on the outside who on the inside felt everything so very deeply. I wasn't very honest with myself or others, I told people what they wanted to hear without thinking about consequences and I wasn't aware of how my actions could impact others negatively. I never meant harm, because my heart was pure and I was genuinely good, but I lacked courage and self-love, I lacked integrity. That however, was all about to change. Because you see, when your inner and outter worlds don't match, life will give you the necessary experiences in order to make you aware of your own pretense.
In the fall of 2015 I had my first panic attack. I knew my body was physically there but my mind and spirit were completely absent. I couldn't feel my arms and legs and my brain felt like it was trapped inside a box that was getting smaller and smaller. I blamed it on fatigue and thought sleeping it off would make it go away, but things were never the same after that day. For weeks I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I didn't know where or when I was and couldn't understand what was happening to me.
I had always been an over-thinker. Every situation, relationship, every word, always over-analyzing and putting things in balance. But when the over-thinking expands to a bigger scale - life's purpose, reason for existence and the mysteries of the Universe, and it gets combined with not living your truth and not embracing who you're meant to be, things can get out of hand if you aren't strong enough to handle it. My wondering mind started getting the best of me. I eventually saw many doctors and had all possible medical tests done, but they all said I was completely healthy, and they were right. The "sickness" I had didn't originate from any physical issues, but from spiritual ones. The doctor prescribed me Xanax for my insomnia and panic attacks and I took one every day for a few weeks, then I was only taking them when I felt panic which rarely happened anymore. The attacks stopped, I was sleeping very well and my life was going back to normal, so when I finished the last prescription of medication, I said to myself "It's over, I'm fine now and I don't need them anymore." Little did I know, when your system gets used to such powerful narcotics, the side effects of stopping will get a lot worse than the symptoms you had in the first place.
Little by little the mind numbing anxiety started taking everything I loved away from me. I couldn't go out with my friends without the excruciating fear of having a panic attack in public. I was terrified of driving and even of walking by myself on the street. Coffee made me extra anxious, alcohol made me feel like I was losing control of my brain so I gave everything up. I eventually started disappearing from my life altogether. I was having panic attacks in college and started avoiding attending some classes because I was simply terrified. I tried finding comfort in relationships, attempting to cling on to something, any type of stability and when I couldn't, I stopped feeling safe in my own head for good. It didn't take long until I fell into a very deep depression. I couldn't sleep, eat or even get out of the house. I quit my job, only wanting to remain in the safety of my own home, playing the piano, singing and listening to music for hours with my eyes closed, waiting to fall asleep so I could escape for a while.
When you lose yourself so badly, you can't see right from wrong anymore. I wasn't acknowledging my worth as a human being and I didn't love myself at all. In fact, I began hating myself for being so weak. Just as easily, depression led to suicidal thoughts. It had gotten to the point where I was stripped of everything I thought I was and was left naked, in a dark void, not knowing who I am anymore and completely unable to understand how and why this was happening to me. I just wanted peace, I just wanted quiet, I just needed a break from myself. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt trapped inside my own body, like in a cold, dark, airless cave. It fucked up my life, my relationships and my future and I was convinced this was never going to end. And when you find yourself in such a drastic situation, you only have two options: you either let it get the best of you and put an end to it, or be strong enough and fight it until its end.
The toughest part was that from the fear of not being labeled as "crazy", I had gotten so good at hiding it that most people around me had absolutely no idea about what I was going through. But once I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and had gotten to the very bottom of the pit, I opened up about it to my family and it made me realize how important being vulnerable really was. And they listened, they didn't necessarily understand but they never stopped trying. They knew I was always very sensitive, that I was too empathetic and felt everyone's pain as my own and they stood my by side, supported and loved me as I fought my demons.
So if you're going through this or any kind of horrific, soul crushing pain, talk about it. Express it, scream, punch, get it out. Because inhibiting your feelings and over-thinking them does way worse. Let others help you, or at least let them listen, because even if they don't truly understand, they can hold your hand through it. And for the people who notice a friend keeps disappearing, cancelling plans and acting differently, please don't ignore it. Reach out to them, be there for them even if they say they don't need it, even if they seem perfectly fine, because do you know what suicidal people have in common? They are great actors: they successfully hide the fact that they think too much, feel too deeply and every little experience has a powerful impact on them. And that's exactly why so many people are depressed and anxious nowadays. Because this world is getting more cruel and messed up by the minute and sensitive people can't stop themselves from being affected by it. They are overwhelmed by their own emotions and don't know how to control it. They can cry tears of happiness, they love purely and intensely, but when they're sad, it's soul crushing and unbearable. That's why it is so important that people are careful of the way they act and talk to others, that people are kind and understanding and not judge others based on appearances. You never know when you might help save a life. Never assume, always question.
In my case, this started from the need to have absolute control of my life. From holding on to negative situations, behaviours and patterns and from not accepting change. I was always reaching for perfection and was terrified of failure so life made me so uncomfortable that I had no choice but to turn my fears into strengths. We can try to look for outside help as much as we want. We can waste money on therapists and medication but ultimately we're the only ones who hold the power to lift ourselves up. While battling anxiety and depression, I was also battling an addiction to the medication that was supposed to help me, still I refused to give up. I refused to ever see a therapist because I became aware that I was the only one who could help me so I started reading more, developed an interest in books on spiritual awakening and self improvement. I started listening to Gurus and podcasts about self discipline, about letting go of control. I started analyzing the way people think, why they do what they do and how our negative behaviours are all results of past trauma. I studied myself like one might study their favorite book, page by page I analyzed my behaviours and my patterns in order to get to the root of the problem. I began practicing Yoga and meditated so intensely that I forced my mind to behave and my spirit to allow the light back in. I died and came back to life hundreds of times until I transformed into a whole other person, until I found God within myself.
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I reprogrammed my brain into seeing beauty where I saw ugliness, sun where I saw clouds, strength where I saw weakness and life where I saw death. I stopped blaming myself for everything I ever did or accepted that ended up hurting me or the people I loved. I stopped letting negative thoughts affect me by simply acknowledging them as temporary and I accepted that perfection never was nor will it ever be possible and that happiness is simply a state of mind. When I stopped chasing it, I found it right where it was all along, in my own heart. I stopped being scared of change and instead I embraced it fully, realizing that whatever flees from me only does so because it doesn't belong in my life and whatever does belong with me, will find me when the time is right. I became aware that everything people did or said was about their own insecurities and perspective upon the world so I stopped taking things personally and instead used what triggered me as a means to heal something within myself. I stopped seeing myself as someone who was hurt or weak and took responsibility of my thoughts and actions. I turned my mistakes into lessons and I have no regrets. I started making self-improvement my priority and I loved myself so deeply and bravely that I saved me.
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And that is the point, that is the secret. In the end, you are the only one who holds the power. The only one who can change your behaviour, your perspective and eventually your life. Misery and unhappiness are just wrong ways of perceiving your environment. You have to get so tired of your own lies, of your pretense that you transform into a person of integrity, someone honorable, worthy of respect. You have to be so relentless, so stubborn, so strong that you refuse to give up, refuse to let any outside circumstances and especially your own negative thoughts control you. You have to change your whole perspective upon pain, because it is not here to break you, it's here to help you grow. And you have to understand that you are not your mind, your true self is the one who observes all of the chatter inside your mind and sits in silence like two eyes floating through space, quiet and calm.
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Never listen to what the world says, to the labels they might put on you because none of it is real. They are opinions of people who are terrified to go into the unknown, into the darkness of their own minds and heal, find themselves, find their purpose. People who constantly need to be surrounded by others, who are scared to be alone with their own thoughts and live in ignorance and avoidance, because it's easier than facing yourself and evolving.
For me, this transformation lasted for years and is still ongoing, as I am in constant change for the better. And what it made me realize is that the strongest people are the ones who can be vulnerable so I stopped hiding and opened myself up to the world. I now live my life courageously through love, compassion, peace, joy, forgiveness and awareness towards myself, and all other sentient beings.
Your greatest enemy is your own mind and conquering it won't be easy, hell, it might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. But take it from someone who knows, Heaven is an understatement for what comes after.